Is there a D in Dumb?*

14 06 2008

Listen up kids! In an increasingly worsening trend, the news agencies have been trying too hard to seem likable. I’m guessing they’ve looked at Stephen Colbert and whoever’s running the Weekend Update on SNL nowadays and figured that those are the type of people they should be putting in front of the camera. So, in an attempt to make their personalities seem more “like us” they’ve hired too many cheerleaders and class clowns. I watched the aftermath last year of the stupid comments by The View’s Sherri Shepherd. Here’s the exchange between Ms. Shepherd and Whoopi Goldberg:

WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Is the world flat?

SHERRI SHEPHERD: Is the world flat? (laughter)

GOLDBERG: Yes.

SHEPHERD: …I Don’t know.

GOLDBERG: What do you think?

SHEPHERD: I… I never thought about it, Whoopi. Is the world flat? I never thought about it.

So that was stupid enough that I really hoped she would get fired. I honestly don’t know whether she’s still on the air or not because I keep up with The View as often as Ms. Shepherd looks at globes. But I’m betting she’s still there. I know I could google it… but again, don’t care.

This past week I was alerted to another stupid news-type-person, FOXNews’ Gretchen Carlson. I’m going to let you watch the video now. And trust me, this isn’t another embedded video just ’cause, you really have to watch this one to keep up.

Finished watching it? Good! Now you can read on.

So if you were listening close you caught her actually saying “There’s no D in soldiers.” The guy on the left (Steve Doocy) repeats the word stressing the D and then turns his head so he’s not laughing in her face. That’s why I couldn’t be a journalist, because I’d find myself too often laughing at people while the tape was rolling. She also says, “I’ve never used spell check in my whole life [emphasis on “life” to make you think she *might* be about to say something smart, but alas.] …because I don’t know how to use it.” You can tell Steve is getting really annoyed at his co-hosts now. She finishes by asking if they even sell hard-core dictionaries anymore. I’ve been trying to figure out what she meant and all I can come up with is hard copy. Moron.

The guy on the right (Brian Kilmeade) isn’t too far behind her with his comment that the English language is thousands of years old. Thousands? Really? So, like, Jesus might have spoken it and stuff? I know, I know…it’s hard to ad-lib when the pressure’s on to sound smart. Maybe if I watched FOXNews more often than never I might find they’re very intelligent and globally aware people. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’ll watch FOXNews until I think their “journalists” are smart.

Or, maybe I’ll just eat some lye soap and take a bath in mercury. While I’m at it maybe I should suck on some helium balloons.

Look, I understand that they can’t always hire a Dennis Miller to keep things moving in an intelligent fashion, but couldn’t they at least look over their transcripts instead of just hiring relatives? And is Steve Doocy actually semi-smart or was he just being opportunistic and acting smarter than the ones around him? Yeah, why don’t I watch a bunch of FOXNews and get back to you guys on that one. You wait here, I’ll be right back with that update for ya.

Y’know, now that I think about it I wonder about the nature of things in that vein. Do dumb people watch FOXNews or do people who watch FOXNews become dumb? It’s a paradox I almost care about. Wonder when Torgo’s Executive Powder is going on the market?

*line stolen from Keith Olbermann

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7 responses

14 06 2008
Trey French

I think the hard-core dictionaries are the ones that Arnold Schwarzenegger is featured in to get your brain pumped up with words. Every word is in all caps and bold and in the very middle there are several pages of pictures of Arnold using his favorite words. Whether it be him now as govenator or way back when he was Conan and all he could really say was BAAAHHHH and swing a sword. But I’ll tell you now, if I had that book when I was growing up, I would still be in the same boat I am in now. A person who knows the world is in fact not flat and solDier is spelled with a D. We should send a copy of Arnold’s dictionary to Gretchen and the entire Fox news so they can get pumped up with knowledge. Maybe send the Hulk’s version of the thesaurus as well. Well enough bashing of these people. Thanks for sharing. Hope all is well.

14 06 2008
Terry Johnson

Trey, that was absolutely hilarious! Thanks for the comment.

16 06 2008
Nick Jones

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Trey go on a rant like that. Kudos man, and naturally secondary kudos to you Johnson for providing such an inspiring post. I just got to work and am putting off actually working, which, if I play my cards right, I can do all day. At any rate, if that wasn’t the case I’d be just as compelled to rant about the stupidity of people as a whole. At this point I’m conflicted as to which intelligence based Futurama quote to use, but seeing as how you all know and love them; take a moment to think of your favorite quote, and laugh about it as though I’ve just commented on it here.

16 06 2008
Nick Jones

P.S. I think she might have been going for had-cover/back you know not all floppy like the bad romance novels she undoubtedly watches when they finally make them into bad movies. And to answer her question, Yes, yes they do.

16 06 2008
Lauren Fletcher

There is a reason that these people, if they have enough brain cells to be called that, are still on FoxNews. Speaking of Fox and all of its glory, did you hear that Huckabee is going to be on Fox? He is either an anchor or has his own show or something…totally looking forward to that…

17 06 2008
W.E.B. Adamant

Haha. I heard about this, but I hadn’t watched the clip yet. Perhaps she needs to take a simpler job rather than trying to speak a big hard hairy language like English. Has she even heard, I don’t know, Chinese? Or even seen Arabic script? She got lucky, and doesn’t even know it.

And yes, there is a D in “dumb”, but I don’t she knew there was a “b” in it, too.

I’m subscribing to your blog after reading one post. I can tell this will be really enjoyable.

18 06 2008
Terry Johnson

Welcome to the blog, Adamant. Glad you’re here! I also checked out your blog and to the rest of you it is definitely worth the look. It has much video game review goodness. :o)

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