Listen up kids! In an increasingly worsening trend, the news agencies have been trying too hard to seem likable. I’m guessing they’ve looked at Stephen Colbert and whoever’s running the Weekend Update on SNL nowadays and figured that those are the type of people they should be putting in front of the camera. So, in an attempt to make their personalities seem more “like us” they’ve hired too many cheerleaders and class clowns. I watched the aftermath last year of the stupid comments by The View’s Sherri Shepherd. Here’s the exchange between Ms. Shepherd and Whoopi Goldberg:
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Is the world flat?
SHERRI SHEPHERD: Is the world flat? (laughter)
SHEPHERD: …I Don’t know.
GOLDBERG: What do you think?
SHEPHERD: I… I never thought about it, Whoopi. Is the world flat? I never thought about it.
So that was stupid enough that I really hoped she would get fired. I honestly don’t know whether she’s still on the air or not because I keep up with The View as often as Ms. Shepherd looks at globes. But I’m betting she’s still there. I know I could google it… but again, don’t care.
This past week I was alerted to another stupid news-type-person, FOXNews’ Gretchen Carlson. I’m going to let you watch the video now. And trust me, this isn’t another embedded video just ’cause, you really have to watch this one to keep up.
Finished watching it? Good! Now you can read on.
So if you were listening close you caught her actually saying “There’s no D in soldiers.” The guy on the left (Steve Doocy) repeats the word stressing the D and then turns his head so he’s not laughing in her face. That’s why I couldn’t be a journalist, because I’d find myself too often laughing at people while the tape was rolling. She also says, “I’ve never used spell check in my whole life [emphasis on “life” to make you think she *might* be about to say something smart, but alas.] …because I don’t know how to use it.” You can tell Steve is getting really annoyed at his co-hosts now. She finishes by asking if they even sell hard-core dictionaries anymore. I’ve been trying to figure out what she meant and all I can come up with is hard copy. Moron.
The guy on the right (Brian Kilmeade) isn’t too far behind her with his comment that the English language is thousands of years old. Thousands? Really? So, like, Jesus might have spoken it and stuff? I know, I know…it’s hard to ad-lib when the pressure’s on to sound smart. Maybe if I watched FOXNews more often than never I might find they’re very intelligent and globally aware people. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’ll watch FOXNews until I think their “journalists” are smart.
Or, maybe I’ll just eat some lye soap and take a bath in mercury. While I’m at it maybe I should suck on some helium balloons.
Look, I understand that they can’t always hire a Dennis Miller to keep things moving in an intelligent fashion, but couldn’t they at least look over their transcripts instead of just hiring relatives? And is Steve Doocy actually semi-smart or was he just being opportunistic and acting smarter than the ones around him? Yeah, why don’t I watch a bunch of FOXNews and get back to you guys on that one. You wait here, I’ll be right back with that update for ya.
Y’know, now that I think about it I wonder about the nature of things in that vein. Do dumb people watch FOXNews or do people who watch FOXNews become dumb? It’s a paradox I almost care about. Wonder when Torgo’s Executive Powder is going on the market?
*line stolen from Keith Olbermann